A Recipe for Raising Children Slowly - Alternatives to a Life of Speed



Posted: Saturday, January 12, 2008

by
Creative Life

Preparing children for the future is a bit like cooking a meal. We can either do it fast, or we can do it slowly.

Our modern lives are characterized by fast. Fast cars, fast food, fast lives. Our children are given fast schedules, because we want them on the fast-track. We ferry them to an extra-curricula activity every single afternoon with a level of precision-timing that would be the envy of any public transit planner. And then - when their little bodies can no longer keep up with the frenzied pace that has been asked of them - we medicate them en-mass with pharmaceutical speed.



The dangers of a fast-food diet are now well known. Obesity, depression, heart disease, diabetes and a shortened life span have all been linked to fast food. However, it is not yet fashionable to talk about the impacts of a fast childhood.  

The reluctance to "go there" may be in part due to the fact that it puts parents, teachers and caregivers in a difficult position. During infancy and childhood, each human being learns the skills, emotional habits and relationship patterns that will stay with them for life (or, at least, that will take quite a bit of work to change later on). It is therefore reasonable that most parents would want to ensure that childhood is a time of rich experience and positive preparation for adulthood.



There is however an increasing number of questions about the ways in which we are preparing our children for the rest of their lives.

Recently a video of a mother singing "The Mom Song" was posted on the website YouTube. (http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=RxT5NwQUtVM&feature=related.) Backed by the William Tell Overture, the song is a satirical summary of all of the sayings we ever heard our mothers tell us, and that we swore we would never use with our own children.

The mother sings: "hurry up, get a job, sit up straight", with an almost single minded focus on surviving the day and instructing the child to perform the tasks they will need for a "successful" tomorrow. Just when you think she has used up all the clichés ever used -  BANG! Out comes another one. It is only at the end of the song, as she says good night to the fictional child, that she tells him "I love you" – carefully qualified with the promise that tomorrow they will get to "do it all again".

Without negating the obvious intelligence and creativity in the woman's performance, the video provides a useful mirror – not only for mothers, but for all parents and carers of children. In her song, the performer shows us that in providing our children with an abundance of opportunities, educational experiences, and expectations we have sacrificed the relationship we have with them today. (Not to mention our own dignity, reducing ourselves to nagging control-freaks – but that's a topic for another column).



One of the principles of a Creative Life   is consciousness, or awareness. This video certainly brings to our awareness a number of questions. 

Is this really how we want our children to experience (and later on to remember) their childhood – not to mention their relationship with us? Do we remember the reasons why we once vowed never to use those sayings with our own children?



The pace of life for parents increases along with that of their children. Fathers, mothers and even grandparents are working longer and harder to afford the ballet lessons, music tuition, soccer uniforms, mathematics software, private school fees, and the "right shoes" – not to mention the cost of petrol that is needed to transport children to all of these activities. Of course, activities can be extremely valuable for children's social development. However, in questioning the pace at which they are provided, we also have to ask whose interests are really served by the amount of money we pour into maintaining this level of speed?

Other possible questions might be: What exactly is it that this pace of life is supposed to be preparing our children for? Does it prepare them for happiness and autonomy, with the capacity to experience joy and fulfillment? Or does it fill them with a sense of anxiety and fear of failure? Does it prepare them to be consumers immobilized by expectations, or does it empower them to be active creators in their own lives. Ultimately, we need to ask whether the impact of our furious lifestyles is preparing our children for the sort of future that we really want to create.

If these questions make use feel uncomfortable, perhaps it is because they speak to a sort-of "truth" or a half-buried intuitive "knowing" we have had all along. Perhaps it is uncomfortable to hear these questions with honesty because it would mean acknowledging that we might have got it terribly wrong.  Or perhaps they are uncomfortable questions because we simply fear that might not be able to answer them.

One of the common misconceptions is that slowing the pace of children's lives means ignoring their futures altogether. It is a genuine fear for some of us, driven in part by marketing campaigns (and, to an extent, our own expectations) that depicts a "good parent" as one who ensures that their child has an abundance of enrichment activities and products.

However, this makes about as much sense as saying that if we stop eating fast food, we would have to stop eating completely. Instead, preparing children to be adults is an important parenting task in any culture. Acknowledging that the current pace of childhood may be too fast, simply means revisiting the pace of childhood. We don't stop raising the child, but simply look for slower ways of doing it.

Preparing a small person for adulthood  can in some ways be compared with the process of preparing a meal.

Fast Kids, like fast food, are picked up and dropped off in much the same way as a drive-through take away. In families with Fast Kids, the family routine is often set up to reflect the child's activity schedule – a bit like the opening hours of the local take-away bar. They are prepared with a formula-like intensity to become a "valued" member of society by being exposed to as many skills as possible for "fitting in" (to the corporate world, the family business, whatever). Notably, Fast Kids are also prepared in such a way that they will have the "edge" over their competition. For fast kids, there are only a limited number of opportunities in the world, and the success of another person can only ever be a threat to their own identity and possibility.

By contrast, children who are cooked slowly are prepared like a meal made with home-grown ingredients. They are prepared gently, with enjoyment, and can often be found in the thick of the family routine. They have a deep sense of belonging to both the people and the place around them. Home grown kids are part of relationships, not schedules. Home-grown kids may only require a few extra "ingredients" (or activities) from outside the home. Like a home-made meal, these kids turn out a bit different each time. Rather than limited opportunities, these kids experience a world of limitless possibilities. They have the time and space they need to figure out who they are, and to "marinate". These kids are prepared to be contributing citizens who make a difference - not only to the bottom line of companies – but to the people and communities around them.



These are, of course, two extreme illustrations. Raising and caring for children creatively is not a prescription for "being perfect". Creativity never implies that one-size-fits-all.



Creative parenting and educating is instead about consciously building on the Ten Principles of a Creative Life.

It is about empowering ourselves to consciously  discover and choose the pace that is the right fit for our family, and for each of our children. After all, there is nothing wrong with an occasional fast food meal.  The danger is when our dependency on fast makes us forget all of the wonderful joys that come from walking at slower pace, preparing a slower meal, appreciating diversity, and taking the time to enjoy childhood with our children.
 
 
Please feel free to visit the author's website. You are welcome to download the full text for this article (with images, references and comprehensive links) as well as many other articles and resources for creativity and creative parenting.

www.creativelife.citymax.com

You will also find many links to creative parenting resources on our webpages, and you are welcome to suggest a few of your own!

This article is licensed under the Creative Commons system. You are free to reprint, transmit and store this article under certain conditions. These can be found at  http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/
 

Mary Campbell is the author of "Ten Principles of a Creative Life", and the Creative Life wesbite. Mary has 18 years experience working in remote, third world and war-affected communities with abused and traumatised children. 

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